We as humans have a tendency to look back on things we should’ve, could’ve, or would’ve done differently.
And recently, I found myself in that same cycle, thinking things like:
Ugh, I should have never given him another chance.
Ugh, I should have never told that girl my business.
Ugh, I should have definitely said, “no.”
Now there’s nothing wrong with reflecting on your life, but when it turns into an everlasting cycle of self-deprecating thoughts, that is when you have to take reign and focus on the good.
So, instead of a list of things I should’ve, could’ve, or would’ve done differently, here’s a list of some of the best things I could have ever done for myself!
Number 1: Learning that ‘no” is a complete sentence.
I have convinced myself to do so many things I didn’t want to do — all in an effort to not disappoint someone, make them upset, or ruffle any feathers.
And the first example that comes to mind? These men and their fragile egos.
I’ve literally been in situations where I can’t do nothing but look up and think: now how the hell did I get here?
How did this man end up being my boyfriend, when I don’t even really like him like that?
How am I meeting this man’s entire family, when I ain’t even told my family about him?
How are we looking at engagement rings, when I don’t even want to post him on the gram?
But after the last instance, I had to be real with myself because clearly I was the common denominator.
And the realization hit me like a ton of bricks.
“You keep finding yourself in these situations because you refuse to say…no.”
And why do I refuse to say no? Well a few things.
Number 1) The people-pleaser in me didn’t know I could. I grew up conditioned to not speak up for myself, to not ruffle any feathers, to be “agreeable.”
Then when I finally started to advocate for myself, some manipulative and miserable people in my life would challenge it. Throwing harmful phrases at me like, “that’s not sisterly,” “that’s not ride-or-die,” “that’s selfish.”
So between the conditioning of my childhood, the heavy words being thrown my way, and my overly guilty conscience, I would find myself doing a lot of things I didn’t want to do and putting up with a lot of people I was no longer aligned with.
But not anymore.
Baby I will tell somebody I don’t have the capacity, real quick!
I will politely pack someone’s bag, drop it off to them, and end the relationship without breaking a sweat.
I have told my good-paying job that I don’t feel setup for success, that I need an official roles and responsibilities chart to ensure I’m not getting taken advantage of, and that there is a lack of trust on this team.
I have left group chats, I have blocked phone numbers, and I will gladly unfollow somebody on social media.
All because I can.
This is my life, and if it’s a “no”… it’s a “no.”
Best thing I could have done, number 2: Going away to college.
It’s something about getting out of your parent’s home that just hits different.
And I didn’t go super far (3 hours to be exact), but the experiences I gained? Chef’s kiss.
Having to manage school, homework, social life, work (with them little checks), getting enough sleep, hangovers, and so much more, taught me some priceless lessons.
Yes, I was responsible.
Yes, I graduated on time.
And yes, I earned the degrees.
But I also had a time!
From using fake IDs to get in the bars, to partying in barns (if you went to Eastern IL University, you know), to pledging a sorority.
Pre-games, kickbacks, smoke sessions, step shows, scholarship pageants!
I did it all, and had so much fun.
And I’m glad I experienced that when I did, because now at the age of 32 I’m not pressed for any of it. I’ve done it. And now I can look forward to other things.
Best thing I could’ve ever done number 3: Was stop trying to climb the corporate ladder.
Listen, ima keep it a thousand with you: I want enough bread to live comfortably, travel, put my bills on autopay, and know that when I swipe my card it’ll go through.
And I can get that (thankfully), and have gotten that (thankfully), without being someone’s CEO.
Because while society promotes terms like, “Girl Boss” and “Hustle Culture” they’re not always clear on what that means or what that looks like.
It is a lot of time and sacrifice, long-nights and early mornings, constant calls, having to play mommy or daddy to your subordinates… and it can be… a lot.
Some people do it for the passion.
They love that kind of stuff! And I love it for them! Do yo thang, Queen! Get that money, King!
And who knows, maybe one day I will be a CEO! But for now, I’m enjoying the job God has blessed me with where I can:
Live comfortably.
Am not stressed out.
No one is calling me with questions in the wee hours of the night.
When I’m off work, I’m off work.
And the checks? The checks, are check’ing! And I can use those checks to do things I enjoy.
Which brings me to my next point…
One of the best things I could’ve ever done was get in community.
Listen, I am a solo traveling, can entertain myself kinda girl. But there’s nothing like being in community with other like-minded people.
The unexpected nuggets of knowledge you gain, the unexpected nuggets of knowledge you give, the new experiences, the new connections… You can’t get these things alone.
And sometimes you can’t get these things from the same people you’ve been knowing.
Keyshia may be one of your oldest and dearest friends, but what happens when she wants to go to the club, and you want to try a new cooking class?
Do you abandon what you want to do, because Keyshia’s your good friend? Do you go to the club with her for the umpteenth time because you don’t want to ruffle any feathers?
Listen, I’m not saying leave Keyshia behind. If she’s a good friend and yall are still aligned, keep her!
However, you are allowed to explore other communities.
A year ago I joined an outdoor group called Peace in the Wild, and because of this organization I’ve been able to do some really fun things for the first time: like horseback riding, rock-climbing, and my favorite of all… swimming.
Yes, they taught me how to swim!
And now I can’t stay out the water! I’m swimming in the mornings, swimming in the evenings, it’s been lovely! It’s been… community.
And because of being in that community I have the confidence to join others. I recently picked up tennis, joined a bible study group, and I’m praying that when the time is right I find a storytelling group too.
Because life is more than just working and paying bills, we got to live too!
One of the best things I could have ever done number five: was move out of that apartment.
Listen, when you are young and in love and having sex… you ain’t always thinking straight.
And nine times out of ten, you have blinders on.
That was me.
Young and in what I thought was “love.”
During that time, I was so focused on my relationship that I let a lot of other priorities fizzle away.
Most people may not know this, but I had a blog back then. My first one!
But after getting an apartment with my then boyfriend, I wasn’t thinking about that blog! I was trying to lay up with my man.
Same with my marketing consulting business. I had clients!
But I wasn’t trying to do that work after work, I was trying to do him after work.
So naturally, when you don’t pour into things what happens? They fade away.
So I shut down my blog and closed up shop.
All for him to break my heart and me to move out 7 months later.
But, there was a blessing in that as well.
Because once I moved, I got my own place.
And once I got my own place, I got my own furniture.
And once I got my own furniture, I started leaving reviews on the furniture.
And once I started leaving reviews, I started getting free stuff from Wayfair to leave even more reviews.
(And now, I am officially apart of the Wayfair Creator Program, be sure to check out my storefront for all your Wayfair needs)
When I moved I also decided I wanted to blog again. But this time it would be different…
I had more to say, more thoughts to process, more healing to do. And my blog could be the safe space for it.
So for my 26th birthday I decided to establish the Jalyssa DoubleU brand.
From writing the stories, to creating the website, to designing the emails, it was all me and all authentic.
Another perk of leaving that apartment? It showed me that I could live on my own!
After being in my studio for two years, I upgraded to a two-bedroom, then after living there for two years, I took an even bigger leap and moved to another state.
And listen, Georgia has been so incredibly good to me!
The peace that I have gained since moving here has been life-changing.
So was I crushed, when that man broke my heart? Yes.
Was I scared to move out and live on my own? Also yes.
But did it all work together for my good? 1000%.
Now last, but not least, the best thing I could’ve ever done…was get closer to my heavenly Father.
When I’m struggling in the wee hours of the night, I have a Father who is always there and listening.
When I need strength to endure a tough situation, He gives it to me.
When I need peace and clarity about a situation, I don’t have to call somebody and hope they answer. Nope, I can sit with Him and He always answers.
And what I love most about our relationship is that it’s personal to me.
I am not a textbook Christian.
I don’t know the names of the Bible by heart. I can’t recite every scripture flawlessly, and I am not in church from sun up to sun down.
But I am real.
A real person who is trying to establish a healthy relationship with God, and that’s all that matters.
He wants us to spend time with Him, to talk to Him, to praise Him. To include Him in all of our plans.
And that’s what I’ve been doing, and that’s why my life looks like this.
So yeah, getting closer to God is hands down the #1 best thing I could’ve ever done (and I highly encourage you to do it too).
But okay, before I wrap this up here are some other ‘best things I could’ve ever done’ - rapid fire edition:
Was stopped smoking weed. My mind is clear, my clothes don’t stink, and you can save a lot of money.
Threw my virbator away. The spirit of lust has never done anyone any good. Highly recommend prioritizing self control.
Left that group chat. I’m not staying anywhere I’m not valued, respected, or treated with kindness. I ain’t that desperate for “friends.”
Got a therapist! When I say I love my therapist down! Like, she’s definitely invited to the wedding. She’s definitely getting a shout out when I get my awards, she’s definitely a pillar in my life.
Dating me instead of dating them. Listen, would it be nice to get dressed up and have a fine man take me out for dinner and conversation? Yes. However, if we aren’t aligned, if we aren’t equally yolked, that dinner could snowball into a life of regret. So until the Lord connects me with who I’m supposed to entertain, baby I will continue to date myself!
And last but not least, the best thing I could’ve ever done was started pouring into me again. Whether that’s writing a story, spending time on the balcony, speaking kindly to myself, or trying out new hobbies. I treat me real good, and I encourage you to do the same.
Do you have a “best thing I could’ve ever done” moment you’d like to share? Share it in the comments!
Til next time, peace.